Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Do you remember the above? I remember it very well; it was a famous political sarcasm that was widely circulated in 1990s (at my time) about the different political systems. It’s has an older origin though. Believe it or not, these jokes affected my political ‘evolutionist’ thinking then.
We have similar sarcasm circulating around now, all started in a post in Foreign Policy. Here you go:
Saudi Arabia: You have two cows with endless reserves of milk. Gorge them with grass, prevent them from interacting with bulls, and import South Asians to milk them.
Iran: You have two cows. You interrogate them until they concede they are Zionist agents. You send their milk to southern Lebanon and Gaza, or render it into highly enriched cream. International sanctions prevent your milk from being bought on the open market.
Syria: You have five cows, one of whom is an Alawite. Feed the Alawite cow well; beat the non-Alawite cows. Use the milk to finance your wife’s shopping sprees in London.
Lebanon: You have two cows.Syria claims ownership over them. You take them abroad and start successful cattle farms in Africa,Australia, and Latin America. You send the proceeds back home so your relatives can afford cosmetic surgery and Mercedes-Benzes.
Hezbollah: You have no cows. During breaks from milking on the teat of the Iranian cow you call for Israel’s annihilation
Iraq: You have three cows: one Sunni, one Shiite, and one Kurd. The first is milked by Saudi Arabia, the second by Iran, and the third smuggles its milk abroad. The United States picks up the manure.
Bahrain: You have three cows: two Shiites and one Sunni. Invite Saudi Arabia to come kill a Shiite cow and import another Sunni cow.
Yemen: You have two cows. Feed them khat instead of grass and neglect to milk them. Watch them fight each other.
Egypt(Mubarak): You have 10 cows. Neglect to tend to them, but prevent them from fighting Israel in order to get milk from America.
Egypt(Post-Mubarak): You have 10 cows who think they now own the farm. There’s still no milk.
Tunisia(Ben Ali): You have two cows. Beat them regularly and use the milk money for your wife’s shopping sprees in Paris. When the cows revolt, retire to Saudi Arabia.
Libya: You have two cows. You wish they were camels. Feed them only your words of wisdom and kill them if they dare moo.
Qatar: You have one cow that has hundreds of udders. You use the limitless milk money to set up a television channel that broadcasts the other cows in the region being milked (except Saudi Arabia’s).
United Arab Emirates: You have two cows. You bring in Filipino nannies, South Asian laborers, and Russian prostitutes to make sure they’re well taken care of. Sell the milk to build the world’s biggest shopping mall.
Jordan: You have one cow, surrounded by wolves. Pretend that it’s a magic cow that has the power to pacify wild animals, and then ask America for milk.
Palestine: You had two cows that were lost decades ago. Lament them.
Israel: You have two bulls. Pretend they are helpless calves. Accuse anyone who is critical of them as being anti-semitic.
Pakistan: You have two cows. You ignore them, build a nuclear weapon, harbor al-Qaeda, and get free milk from America. When you learn that cows are sacred in India, you kill them.
Kuwait: You have two cows that produce the milk of ten cows.Iraq wants your cows.America also wants your cows, but is less obvious about it. Eventually, you still have two cows, but their grazing land is burnt away.
Oman: You have two Ibadi cows. No one has any idea what the hell an Ibadi is.
Hungary: You have two cows. So does your neighbor. One of your cows die. You kill one of the neighbor’s cows because he shouldn’t be better off than you.
New Zealand: You have two cows, the government forces you to pay a tax on their farts, and stops you exporting them.
PS.1: This post is inspired by (or mostly copied from) the Foreign Policy this week. I aim to add to the above list if relevant. Please don’t hesitate to send your take about any ‘cow’ you could think of!
PS.2: Picture was taken from Martin Guhl cartoon blog